Fortuna · the · Storyteller's · journal

Okay, I've gone three, count 'em THREE DAYS WITHOUT WRITING OMGWTFBBQ.
Unfortunately, schoolwork has been the number one priority. If it weren't for this thrice damned research paper on Oscar Wilde (love the man, love the works, hate research papers with a passion), my crapload of math assignments, the group effort philosophy paper I've been put in charge of, the sociology presentation and Arabic in general, I'd be good to go. But c'est la vie, c'est la vie....

In other news, I've decided upon a few things. One- if I don't make the 50,000 this November, I'll be working on it all December. Two- I'm going to get a job this winter, even if it's as an Avon representative. Three- I'm handmaking everyone's Christmas presents, and actually sending the ones from last year >.> (I R broke). And lastly- I'm going to attempt to write a non-fiction book, with the help of my beloved friend, call her Ishta (it's a sort of inside joke, it's Arabic for 'cream').

Basically, Ishta has converted into Islam, and I've spent a good chunk of the semester going to mosques and learning about the faith. I might not agree with a whole lot of stuff (such as belief in God, for starters), but I have been able to draw on one conclusion:

They're people too. American Muslims are not terrorists, nor are they supporting the terrorists. They are just that, Americans, who deserve to be treated with love and respect, just as we would treat anyone else (I know I'm focusing this towards Americans, but I do believe in a sort of Worldwide 'Kumbaya' thingy. I just wanted to make this topic a little more specific, so American Muslims it is). So Ishta and I are going around the East Coast doing research about American Muslims- how they live, how they are treated, and answering a general FAQ about them. We're visiting three cities this winter- Lynchburg in Virginia, Washington D.C, and Boston in Massachusetts- to do our research and start writing our book. If anyone has a good title name, here's your chance to shout it out XD

NaNoWriMo is coming up.  You know what that means?

IT MEANS I NEED ME A BUTT-KICKING BRIGADE.

Ever want to shout and cuss at me?  Put me in my place?  Get me off my lazy ass to do some work? 

WELL NOW YOU CAN!

From November 1st-30th, I need people to kick my sorry ass into doing some writing.  If you see me doing anything other than writing, KICK MY ASS.  Tell me to get back to work, lazy slacker that I am!

Even if you're a lurker, just give me a motivational kick at fortuna.princessluna@gmail.com  I'll need it!

Ran away from home yesterday, am now staying with a friend for the weekend, until I can figure out where to go next.  I need a job and an apartment, but I have no idea how I'm going to get either.

I'll keep everyone posted. 

I went to the International Education office in my school asking about the Egypt dismayt study abroad trip.  Much to my dismay, they had cancelled the trip due to lack of interest.  Which really surprised me, I mean, I expected the thing to be swarming with participants, but no such luck. 

But, since I really, REALLY want to study abroad this winter, I asked about any other trips that they might have available.  The choices they had open to me were an Italy culture course, which I didn't choose, and a Mexican language course, which I DID choose.  So now I'm going to be crash-coursing in Spanish to get ready for my Spanish class in Mexico!  I'm really excited to experience Mexican culture and learn their language! 

I've been told that I'll be living with a family near the college instead of in a dormitory, and that I can look forward to 6 hours a day 5 days a week learning Spanish in the college <3  It's even more intense than my Arabic Startalk program!!!! WHEEEEE!!!! :D

My dear Alex, I knew I'd jump the border someday, and hopefully get to see you.  I just never knew I'd be doing it LEGALLY ;D  And I'll be sure to pack an extra suitcase to smuggle you back with! 

Anyone who knows even a little Spanish, please feel free to give me pre-trip lessons and etiquette rules.  I'MMA LOOKING AT YOU ALEX. 

Since I was so busy getting ready for my Egypt trip, I know all the rules for the wrong country.  I have NO IDEA how to behave in Mexico, other than 'Don't let on that you're gay.', which I'd already prepared for going to Egypt.  I need to do a lot of research, and I don't have a whole lot of time to do it, since the trip leaves in late December.  I need to learn basic phrases, culture, and etiquette, as well as figure out what to pack XD 

All this to basically answer this one phrase:
If I start posting things in fractured and mangled Spanish, this is why.

Anyone who's seen the show knows that this is WRONG SO VERY VERY WRONG, but I couldn't help it.  I love Maylene and Sebastian too much separately to not put them together.

Yay for being on something of a roll?

Uh...ta da?

I've discovered something of late.  Whenever I forget my meds, I'm super happy and inspired half the time, and uber despressed at the slightest provocation.
But now I'm feeling all blegh, and I can't get myself to feel as inspired as I was, say, yesterday.  I hate how meds seem to damper my will to DO anything.  I'd rather be active than be stable ;_;

Or, maybe that's just me.  But it's something I'll bring up with my psychiatrist.
But still, yesterday I was so psyched to do stuff, and today I can barely cough out a few paragraphs.
Maybe it's all power of suggestion.

Okay, I am seriously spreading myself too thin here.  Between all sorts of problems going on, I'm learning 6 la nguages, taking 5 classes, joining 4 clubs, working on 3 stories, starting up 2 many drawings and running 1 jewelry shop.  I'M GOING CRAZY.

So, I just need to take a deep breath and prioritze.  But this would be so much EASIER to deal with if I weren't going through all these friend issues and I've got no one to talk to and aaaaaarrrrrrggggg.  I mean, I love being busy, but this might be a little much.  Especially since I can't get inspired about the stories.  I really, REALLY wish I had some drive to do things in my life, instead of all this floating around.  I'm trying to keep myself active, but I don't know where to start.

Okay, dropping the studdy of Vietmanese and Japanese and Spanish.  That just leaves Dutch, Swedish, and Arabic, which I can handle.  Will focus on 2 stories instead of the three. Jewelry shop doesn't take up a lot of time.  Drawings take up time but I'll only do them when I can spare time.  I can handle five classes.  Okay  *deep breaths*

I just need to have a good cry or something.  Or just talk with someone about my stories.  But unfortunately, my stories aren't as cool as all of yours, so no one wants to talk to me about them.  Maybe if I was a better person, a more talented artist, a better writer, people would show interest in what I do.  I just don't know.   Maybe I should just suck it up and...and I dunno, just write, even if it is crap and I have to revise things later.  Maybe that's the only way I'll get something done.  Just freewriting until I can figure out what's going on, like I'm doing right now.  Just thinking and typing and thinking and typing.

She didn't have to be so mean to me.  She didn't have to tell me that I was so wrong.  I'm hurt and I'm lost and confused, is that so bad?  Apparently.  But nevertheless, I can only hope that I ignore the pain and keep going on about whatever it is we talk about.  Stories about nonsense the both of us create.  Just smooth this over like nothing happened, like my heart wasn't broken.

I'm a terrible person, a terrible friend.  How can I not turn this all in on myself?  Isn't this all my fault?  If I was better, a better daughter, a better friend, a better EVERYTHING, people would love me the way I love them.  Wholeheartedly.  Unnconditionally. 

Gosh I'm pathetic. 

I'm nobody, unlike you.  You're my friend and I love you.  Isn't love what I give?  Is all my love not enough for you?

No, I guess not...

The con I went to yesterday was AMAZING.

I met lots of cool people and bought lots of stuff and generally had lots of fun.
I dressed up in my new dress and people took pictures of me.  It was all very flattering.

And I'm halfway done with my female!Sweden costume!  I just bought the wig, so now I need the jacket, some yellow nail polish, blue contacts, and a flag!

I dreamed about the friend I'm not talking to anymore last night.  It was a reminicing of all our good times, it showed her being there for me, a fabrication of my mind to be sure.  But it was sweet, and it was heart-breaking, and I wish that she would just leave me alone.  I don't want to think about her anymore.  I'd rather die than have to go through that again.  She was so sweet, yet so toxic, yet everything I wanted and nothing that I needed.  I loved her once, but I can't bear to love her again.

Maybe it's just the fact that there's been no one to replace those feelings I've had.  I mean, I've had a share of unrequited crushes over the years, but that just strengthens my idea that she was the only one who would love me back, and I was the bitch who destoryed the one chance I had. 

A lyric from a song keeps playing through my head.
I know somewhere there's a someday, that's just for me.  Everybody's got a someday, so why not me?
Lucy do you really need to fill your heart with empty dreams?  You'll always be what you are, stop chasing that distant star....

I should stop dreaming of love.  I'm too wretched for it.

Besides that, love would be a distraction to my work.  I wasn't designed for love.  Love is illogical.  Love is pain.
Why can't all those happy memories just die?  I was such a fool...

Arrrg.  I'm going to work on my story, torture my characters, make them feel the pain of love and loss.  Take out my suffering on them.

I wish that I could dream of her no more.